They watch you and follow you through to the darkest corners of your mind

As you slowly fall into the next menial activity you have planned out

On your todo list you so neatly set out for yourself

Even there a check box is out of place or a word is misspelled 

It’s not right. It’s not the way I want 

or how everyone thinks it needs to be. 

Look over there at the girl who doesn’t abide by the unbroken code. 

Her ability to avoid the “normal” and “average”

Her code of disbalance disproportion 

avoidance of accordance to the strict bylaws 

Torn down in her non conformist mind where she

Creates her own cage to sit in

With her own lions and wildebeests

Even when sitting independently

There are still the imperfections

whether everybody shares them in disgust and contempt 

Or they are your own personally tailored set of horrors unseen and unknown and uncared for by everyone else 

Those out off place those chipped walls or facades and freckles on your face that others can’t see (or they can)

Those imperfections linger on you with you through the out

eventually you take up residency with the lion and wildebeest

Happy to blame the cage because what else can you do but stare out at those imperfections

Blocking you from escaping your own complexly laid out way of thought

Your own complexly laid out discrepancies 

Your own imperfections 

Unchangeable unshakeable unalterable 

And overall uncontrollable thus not your fault  



Fear is not the only thing stopping you|| 2.16.16

I am scared. I am scared of mediocrity. I am afraid that I am so smart I am destroying myself. I am afraid that I am thinking so hard so fast that my head will explode. I am afraid of the future. I am afraid of the past. I am afraid of what every moment of life holds. I am not afraid to live. But I am afraid of everything that comes with it. 

This fear keeps me awake. It pours out of my veins into my everyday life. My father told me 

They say you are born free but you are chained everywhere. The things that are good for you are tough. 

Don’t underestimate other people’s efforts. And don’t be selfish. Unless you truly care about the outcome of your life.

Most of us don’t. 

Most of us are just afraid. 

Overdue Anecdotes

So I have made another blog The Lala Studies it is sort of a motivation blog and i am probably going update it regularly unlike this blog. Then I have my tumblrs My AestheticMy Trash, and My Studyblr. If you go to the tag “Lala says Stuff” you will get to see any of my posts on the tumblr. Just thought a generalized update was overdue. Also messaging me on tumblr is probs the easiest way to contact moi. 

Thanks for Reading,


Whoop There It Is

So I forgot to post yesterday. Yes, I feel the shame. Honestly though it was s pretty dandy day and I updated tumblr twice. Soooo
Honestly the sat was tough the teasing sections and my essay were cray and in expecting kind of a poop Scot ngl. Oh well they release in Ng burthday do lets see how that goes. 

After I went to the tech game. Which was a lot of fun. Kali (that name change though ) was super sweet and so was her family. Their box seats were right under the jumbotron and I actually understand what was happening in the game. Aka I learned football. Which was pretty swell. Also the buffet was A++. Anyway afterwards I can home got unready and watched the Dolan twins videos for about 3-4 hours. And then my parents can home and presented me with my new fuzzy pajama set. GOD BLESSS. 

So I’m off to actually do the homework I promised I’d do. 

Thanks for reading,


October Emptiness

 My goal for this month is to post something regardless of the quality everyday. 

Yes, I know I am five minutes late. Thanks for noticing. 

<–

So today was weird. In two respects the first being the development of goals and the understanding of this months prospects. The second was my kinda shitty friends┬┐ who I hung out with today, who cease to confuse me. 

So this month hold q lot of stress for me starting with my SAT exam on Saturday, to my first football game immediately after, all the way to my calc ab midterm Tuesday and so on. That is why I hav decided sail blog posts is the way to go to clear my head. I need to dump all my video diaries onto my laptop and stuff but I have just been putting it off like a lazy butt. Hopefully soon. I’ll try to keep you updated even though you probs don’t care. 

So my friends. I mean they are nice. (I’m changing names for all intents and purposes ) so Ophelia and annabeth are really nice. They listen and are really loyal, but Katherine is sort of bitchy. And we just dropped this one girl from our group Camille because everyone thought she was too weird or something. And we literally just fucking iced her out. And that’s just rude. Like Jesus. And Annabeth is pretty good about having her on friends and opinions but Ophelia sort of clings to Katherine’s friends and stuff. Which is hard on me because I want hen to be my main group but I feel like if I have outside friends Katherine will convince the group they can just drop me. And it’s literally so fucking annoying not knowing if your doing the right things or not. And even if I didn’t do something that bad or something Katherine would find a way to convince Ophelia that I’m a jerk and annabeth would sort of be helpless or worse agree. Angela I just needed to get that off my chest. I’m not gonna lie my name switching is shitty at best but hey atleast I finally got to talk through it. 

Well, goodnight and happy close to the first day of October 2015.

Thanks for reading,